Things are sliding, sliding in all directions

Time has been looking like a Dali painting in my reality; warped and disorienting. My features are being stretched by the simultaneous tugging and drudging of pace.

After February's short-lived existence, March seemed to boast in proud and full. It looked like a cavernous path ahead compared to a month that felt like darting through the top of Idaho. Part of this was due to the fact that April promises visits from mother and friends and significantly more exciting social excursions. And so, the days inched along. This last week feels like it has already been here threefold.

But while I live in this overwhelming impatience, I am also harboring desperate fear of each day that passes with no clearer vision of what is to come after AmeriCorps. I've been honored to have some amazing people in my life that have exemplified deep trust and intuition in letting things unfold in the  mysterious ways that they need to and so I try to follow in their footsteps, trusting that I will land exactly where I need to be.

But most things are easier said than done and this is no exception.

I've always been a dabbler. I've harbored a few feelings of frustration towards these tendencies, frequently feeling like I could have made better use of my time mastering one of my half-hearted endeavors with more dedication. And yet, I keep practicing the habit. Even now, I can't say I've committed to one true "calling".

Two selves visit me, both in waking and resting dreams.

One is uninhibited to conventional demands, fed up with striving to reach a comfortable bed of financial security and wanting to go reckless abandon back into the depths of creative spirit. This girl needs to be steadfast in her dedication to refine craftwork and needs to wholeheartedly believe in whatever artistic project she pursues. It needs to eventually have success because she still can't abandon the debt to her family.

The other wants to be able to obtain a real job in meaningful work. She wants to challenge her capacity for leadership and responsibility and empower her sense of wisdom and know how in community-based work. This requires settling and stability. This girl want to go back to school, another area where her interests flit.

Ideally, both of these lives merge in my journey. I just don't know which path is right for me to start on. With each choice I look at, I question my intention behind it. Do I choose one path for fear of the other or is it truthfully the path I feel suits me best at this moment?

For the past few weeks, I have been relentlessly scouring craigslist and other job sites, filling out applications for anything from non-profits to a Youth AirPark employee. With each application, it gets harder and harder to endure the repetitive typing as I wonder if it is even yet worth searching since I won't be free until July or August.

It is also the time of year where the team begins to talk about returners. This is the time that kids begin to pester more frequently: "Will you be here next year? What?! Why not?!" One kid even asked if I could get a job here if I can't do AmeriCorps, just so that I can stay.

Truth is, I'm so nervous of not having a plan yet, that I almost want to just stay a third year.

I know it would not fulfill all that I need. But I love this community and I love my kids and I don't want to be up a stream without a paddle.

But I'm continuing to wade by the water, dipping my feet in. I'm not much of a swimmer but fears are there for facing.

So again, I hope for time to speed up and for fruitful opportunities to wash up in its current.