Growing pains

Today, I watched a short TED talk titled: Success is not a one-way street. It was a simple concept, and probably one I knew already. Probably one I knew already because I was guilty of falling into the one-way trap. The talk summarized how, if we approach successes as an end-point, we get lazy or disillusioned when we reach our success and in turn, they quickly plummet to failures. In the end, you have to keep aiming for the qualities that got you success in order to have sustainable, positive outcomes. 

It's the same with growth. One doesn't just learn maturity and then own it like a trophy. You have to keep practicing the characteristics and the lessons or you will lose sight of what you gained. Of course, we're all human and so you will lose sight at some points. And you will fail at some points. 

But those moments of failure and moments of immaturity are just as important for moments of teaching even though they can be uncomfortable or painful. 

This entry isn't a lecture though. I imagine most of you already have an innate understanding of this balance and have had plenty of those uncomfortable moments. 

This entry is due to a recent one of my own ventures into places we usually try to avoid. And that's exactly what I was doing. 

The last few months have brought about personal challenges with my health which I quickly let bleed into challenges with work, social dynamics with teammates and my mood. While I would try not to be self-pitying, one day of not feeling well enough to play games at the gym would spiral into weeks of a lost sense of purpose within the program as I'd watch my teammates run the show. A combination of misinterpreted attitudes on both sides grew worse, as my self-talk and my feeling of outlier-ship led me to choose a complete shut-down of feelings and communication. At a point, I even knew it was downright spite. And it all felt uncomfortably un-me. And yet, we all let the mounting discomfort fester. 

And then, like any fault line, it finally broke. Ainsley was the first to name the elephant at a breakout session meeting for the Open Gym: communication and my very apparent lack of involvement. Before I knew it, I had the water works going in front of half my team, as I struggled to explain the complexity of the level of emotional build-up that had led me to my most recent behavior and attitude. That's the problem with letting things fester. The purity of origin becomes clouded and you don't even know how things got where they are anymore. 

In the moment, I was hurt, shocked, and unable to process much beyond logistics. However, as the whole situation sunk in, it was as though a river had been opened to free the full process of emotional build up and filter it through me. I began to come to terms with my immaturity and felt a simultaneous sense of relief and anxiousness as I realized I was broken from my isolation but also that I would need to prove my better self from here on out. 

Maturity isn't a destination. The moment you think that you have risen above is the moment you walk into shadows. 

Fortunately, you usually emerge with even more tools and strength than before. 

Since our meeting, I've put forth a much more conscious effort to return to the communication and respectful, co-creating attitude that I believe in and I feel the efforts being reciprocated. By having to own the vulnerability of my shadows in this way, I've exercised my growth on a level I'd never really experienced before and strengthened it that much more. It can be an interesting mental trip to surrender as many foundations as I have in the past couple of months, but I think I am beginning to see the unsuspecting beauty that can emerge from such exploration.