Heads or Tails

The crazy weekend kicked off a crazy week.

First of all, I love my work, my Packwood community and these kids.

Love has its trials and tribulations.

Monday was behavior day. Three one-on-ones, three talks with parents, a blunt dismissal/kick-out from the gym and two follow-up talks with teachers the next day.

It may have been worse than usual or it may have just been that Matt and Kerissa had inspired a stricter "reigning in" of sorts. Either way, it was exhausting. First, what started as a friendly game of jumprope with two of our most well-behaved kids became a war  when everyone else joined and I had to talk with two kids about boundaries. Then football had to get taken away after tackling began to get painful. As the kids moved into a four-square, I had every reason to feel the need to remind them of the rules they'd constructed inside the week before. At that point, one of our very dear little rascals retorted "Okay, okay woman." Not flinching or missing a beat, I directed him into my "office" for a one-on-one as our biggest attitude kid kept bantering "don't worry, she's just going to yak and have you fill out a sheet." so I did not have him fill out a sheet. Instead, I got real. "Frankly, I'm pretty pissed off." I said after we'd talked about the logistics of how very wrong his comment was. "and I wouldn't be giving you such a hard time except that I know  you know better. I'm in your class and I know you've got a good head on your shoulders. When you come here, it shouldn't be any different. You know how to make better choices." He then burst into (rather fake) laughter: "You cussed! Oh my gosh! You cussed, Melissa!" It took me a minute to figure out what was considered cussing ("pissed of", apparently).  I explained that adults get upset too and told him you know, if you're upset about something and need to vent, you can come talk to me and in that situation, it's even okay if you feel the need to cuss. I'd told that to all the kids I'd talked to.

He headed back outside, and then five minutes later, he and the kid who'd been rattling off before rode up to me on their bikes. "Hey, Melissa! You're really pissin' me off!" they laughed. They rode around in circles and continued, getting worse. "Yeah! I'm pissed! And Lou is a bitch!" It was useless to explain about the misuse of the "privilege" I'd granted and finally I said to the prime culprit - our big attitude kid and bad influence - "How are you getting home? Need to make a call? Cause you're going home. And don't plan to come back on Wednesday."

Unfortunately, he had no ride and so spent the last hour biking down the street outside the gym. But I was through. Ignoring his taunts, I knew something would have to be figured out about these kids. It was the first night I was faced with the scope of this reality: our kids are way developmentally behind on behavior.

When the other boys' parents came, I talked with each of them about the various problems of the night. Our mom of the "Woman" commenter was especially surprised and we talked at length, both understanding where his influence was coming from. The next day at school he came up to apologize to me and said that he was not allowed back for three Open Gyms. "I think that sounds reasonable", I said. He nodded and I was pleased to have that be the standard for the other boy as well. "Thank you for the apology." I spoke with Mrs Shook about the issue, hesitant on where to blur lines with school and open gym. But she was very interested and pulled in the teacher of the other boy involved. She was also appreciative of the information. Later as I was walking down the hall, she was actually having a conversation with that boy and I got pulled in where I was informed of home life details that shed more light on his acting out.

The two days accelerated my week and by Friday it felt like it had been a lifetime. I was incredibly grateful to my family, the team and the rest of Packwood to have to bounce the conflicts off of.

The way we choose to handle behavior at the Open Gym has always been such a delicate and complicated subject for me. While we are not advertised as a youth sanctuary of any sort, it is sort of inherently the role that it takes on. Many of our youth are not coming from enriching home lives, school lives or otherwise. They are young, lost, hurt, taking on more than they should have to and trying to figure out how to deal with all of that. To punish them in a way that prohibits coming to the Open Gym is a last resort because for a lot of the kids, it is the healthiest environment that they have. But something has to change and we are not giving up on our efforts.

Next week, both kids are welcome back to the gym. At school, every classroom uses a point system called "panther paws" for positive behavior. I believe that it is horribly below par to have to bribe sixth graders this way, but it's become a staple at school and so it would probably produce results at Open Gym. Maybe with that system as a stabilizer, I can find ways to integrate understanding of behavior in a way that is not solely influenced by bribery. And so on Wednesday, we will have a new poster adorned on our wall on which the kids will be collecting "pumpkins" for October. See what happens.

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I was kept going through the week by clinging onto the prospect of a relaxing weekend. I got to work at the coffee shop with Patrice on Saturday since Koreanne was out of town and we were anticipating a crowd of pilots to fly into Packwood and afterwards, I'd taken a second stab at a bonfire.

Of course, it rained on and off all day on Saturday. I watched the sky, moaning whenever if turned sour and doing a jig at glimpses of the sun. But I'd made quinoa sushi and squash fries and I was determined to have a relaxed night with folk. After missing last weekend, Patrice was committed even if we had to be inside. But I had no idea who else would show. The day at the shop was slow because the pilots had canceled due to the weather. As we closed up though, the setting sun began to peek out of the clouds. It was wet and a bit drizzly but possible to make fire. And with the new location Dean and I had picked out, it would be right by the porch in case we needed shelter.

For the instability of plans, things ended up turning out quite pleasantly. To add to the chaos, Kell had asked me about Karaoke but luckily, the bar cleared out so I wasn't needed. Tim, Patrice and Dean all came over and just as we were getting ready to make the fire, Lou and Ainsley texted to let me know they were passing through on the way back from Ashford. So it was a nice little crowd. Plus, they appreciated the "sushi" far more : )

That was all I needed to turn my attitude around. By Sunday, I was ready to take Mercury in stride. My free Sunday became a 7-hour work day at the coffee shop (I love that it is a job I get excited to work at). Around 2:30, a man came in and warned that he was "one of many": the pilots had re-scheduled. I asked they just be patient and quickly went to bake off fresh cookies to appease them. They were a great crowd and although I texted Patrice, I was able to handle myself fine until she came in at 4pm to help clean and close. To top off the irony, we'd both wanted to be out fairly early after close and then, five minutes to five we got two pairs of people in, one of which wanted "anywhere between 4-10 shots in my drink." I had to laugh.

Like night and day, Monday at Open Gym was thoroughly enriching. Our impressionable kid that whose mom had set the "three open gym" misses showed up claiming that he forgot and had no way home. I pulled him aside to talk and he took it upon himself to make the observation that "I think I act that way because I'm around bad influences" and so I asked how I could help with that and he told me to make sure I don't hang out with those particular kids. We'll see how that goes.

I had another surprising connection with one of our most stubborn, emotionally closed off kids who I'd also had a one-on-one with the week before. When everyone went outside to play football, he started to tell me about how his foot had been bugging him so I encouraged him to take it easy and him and I ended up sitting inside alone for close to an hour just talking and hanging out while I made strips for paper beads, my new obsession.

The only thing constant, is change.