The Essence of the Thing

Keeping a blog, or otherwise having a public online forum in which to share my thoughts, has seemed to be of importance for me for several years. In that time, I've come at projects with various different approaches. In the back of my mind, I entertain the prospect of being one of those diligent, organized, high-rolling bloggers. However, I'm gradually letting go of my grip on that. That isn't to say it might not be a thing one day, but I've been doing a lot of "falling into place" lately, and I've realized that's not how I function. Bloggers of that caliber have a certain flair for routine, categorizing and planning. I've often mistaken my over-active mind as an indication that I could possibly be housing a bit of that type-A personality.

No, sir-ee. But I like whatever I am. I can plan in a jiffy when I have to, compartmentalize things for the sake of menial tasks, and I know how to find information as needed.

But, as you can see, I haven't blogged in a hot minute.

Blogging is a more organic process for me. Jumping back to my different approaches: whether I've been using a blog as a poetry hub, a documentation of a trip or one of my little experiments in self-growth, I've grown increasingly adamant about not "faking smiles" or strictly using wit and "hit-bits" (a term I've just coined for when one "sauces" up their accounts with entertaining verbosity in order to be inter webs-cool, at the expense of real, more complex feelings behind their words).

My emotional life is exploring a very intimate and complex chapter right now, and thus I've been on the fence of what and how to write on here. Whether it's served any other capacity, blogging has always been a personal catharsis for me, and a way of expressing what doesn't always come out in speech, because my brain tends to jump around and overwhelm me too much in real-time. It has served as an avenue towards vulnerability and authenticity. However, the challenges I've tended to face with that have involved surmounting my own inner debris. This is a little different than that, and because I would like to keep my blog accountable for my life alone, I've been stewing on my next entry, to see what inspiration arrises on that front.

And we have arrived!

Another reason I like blogging (well, writing in general) is because I consider myself to have a horrendously un-exercised memory when it comes to linguistics and certain detail. Movie quotes? God, no. The details of a favorite book? Oy. My own thoughts? I can barely keep up with the present ones.

By writing, not only do I find that I'm more likely to remember my key points (well duh, thats scientifically shown) but I also find it aides in how I am able to reflect on certain matters. When one gets stuck in a mental or emotional rut, it's easy to develop narrow-minded thought-patterns: I've failed. I'm moving backwards. This feels insurmountable. This wasn't where I thought I'd be. 

When I am able to look back at my writing, I'm sort of jolted out of that fixed space. Oftentimes, I write about lofty ambitions or pivotal revelations, and in the past, these have been a bit disheartening to revisit. However, I'm beginning to see them as liberating, motivational and still meaningful, even if they speak of a path that I didn't end up on quite as envisioned.

Throughout this year, I've been reminded of the very distinct voice that guided me into 2015. This is what I'd written around that time:

On Thursday, I turned 25. I’m not much about birthdays these days but 25 feels significant. I’m actually rather excited for this year. I feel real change on the horizon. I feel a capability for healing and change that hadn’t yet culminated in the way it needs to. It is encouraging and necessary. (full entry here) 

Now, at the time I was indulging the fallacy of the "Grand Designer" (another term, instal-coined to describe one's fault of believing they can carefully project processes in their life which are fundamentally more organic and serendipitous than something that can be planned) and I had a lofty image of what my next year could be, setting aside all obligations and transitions that I knew I would be facing, I had an idealized concept of growth, which in retrospect, was very compartmentalized (which I write about NOT doing, here).

While I'm happy to report that I've succeeded in checking off some intended checks that I'd posted about:

-XGet back to the Pass (although conditions have not been to great yet and I have to wait for my tattoo to heal)

-XGo Snowshoing

-XGo rock climb at the Olympia Rock Gym

-SXee the upper Oly National Forest

-XSled at Paradise

-Go fishing 

-XGet on some of those Islands 

they all happened to unfold naturally, just because they really were what I wanted and needed as time went on. And I guess that's what it comes down to, no matter how much you plan for what you think you need.

I thought my big change would be my health. My three months on GAPS was isolating and ugly at times, but I learned some invaluable tips and tricks. In the month that followed, I told myself that I would need to get back to that routine ASAP.

Then, in the last couple of months, my world changed. My whole focus shifted, from this pre-occupied, rigid belief of what I should be doing, to a more revitalizing and more natural state of being. I didn't fix my body by a scrutinizing strategy, but I did find a space to reside in that shifted me away from feeling like that problem signified a disintegrating of my life, or a make-it-or-break-it factor to anything else I want to do with my life. I've traded in a lot of my frustration with imperfections for a stronger embrace of the insight they're providing me and for more awareness of how my matured spirit is establishing a deeper sense of self.

And so, in revising my sense of 2015, the overarching sentiment is still very-much alive and well: This is a year of coming into being on yet another level for me. There is a certain striping away of criticizing the particular steps that my life takes and a firming up of the essential self that penetrates it all.

This entry was going to segue into the most recent development of Operation: Post-AmeriCorps Transition, but I had a lot more in me than I realized, so I'll start a separate post for that. Stay tuned!