We have made it through the first month of 2015!
For me, that has meant a lot of sobbing, a lot of personal time, a lot of diverged attention and a lot of unknown.
February - generally the unwelcome harbinger of the winter everyone thought was nearing an end - is looking rather appealing.
January marked the embarkment of a healing process which plunged me into erratic physical uncertainty and layers of emotional heaviness. A couple weeks in, I lost much hope in finding empathetic solace from my Packwood counterpart and have since recently become a louse at communicating about any perceived shortcomings or slackings-off on my part. This may or may not be an issue. I wouldn't know, a la sans communicating.
I do know that I haven't been comfortable with my performance in AmeriCorps as of late. I've felt under-utilized at school and disheartened and de-motivated by the apathy of students. I have been physically and emotionally fatigued at Open Gym, disinterested in even trying to bother with team exchanges.
Apparently, I haven't been the only one lacking in the communication department however, because Meghann decided at our meeting on Friday that our team is currently in a "Storming" phase. Essentially, we're a angst, catty group right now.
This observation led her to implement some restructuring which also began that meeting day. Mainly, Open Gym and Teen Center would have separate sub-division meetings after main meetings on Friday to plan, hash out disagreements and get on the same page.
Since we currently have at least 5 or 6 members coming to the gym these days, I found this to be really helpful. I'd sort of abandon my voice and effort and I was ready to reclaim some meaning from the program. We came up with the beginning pieces to start structuring special time at the gym split between group games which Kerissa has been good at leading and crafts, experiments and other creative options that I am interested in providing. We also talked about doing a once-a-month Science sort of day where we just do experiments galore.
All of this "structuring" feels more approachable since we have recently delved into territory of forcing the kids to have group meetings after snack time. The first one went horribly, the second a little better. We've had major behavior problems with kids that are one step away to being kicked out for the rest of the year and they enjoyed whining about the meeting non-stop, making it ten times as long. So I told them that I frankly don't care and that's when we decided we would keep doing them and the kids will either learn to make them fun or make them miserable and waste our whole last hour.
I am getting a bit more excited again, now that we're abandoning a lot of the things I just sort of took as hand-me-downs when I came to the Open Gym. I don't feel like I have been challenging myself enough lately and after the reflections I've had on my approach to facing the reality of my health, I'm ready to start facing the reality of my work more directly again.
Things haven't all been horrible during this last month. Cassie managed to hook us up with a Zumba instructor for Girl's Night and I got to dance in a room with about 3 elementary girls for an hour. Ariella hitched off her second Open Mic Night and I enjoyed a talkative car ride with Ellie who performed on fiddle and guitar and graced her vocals on many a karaoke song. The this past week, we had a field trip first to the Rock Climbing gym in Olympia (check that off the list; although I've gotta go back now!)
At school, I felt somewhat useful when I recommended starting a TED Talk video sharing at Mrs. Shook's class meetings and she'd never even heard of TED! She has to pre-aprove everything so we haven't started yet but I've given her a list of some to look at.
Our Resource Fair is coming along and I've been kept busy organizing the presenters and workshop leaders. I've also decided to go ahead and wing a Qi Gong workshop for the event. We'll see if there are any takers.
Aside from AmeriBusys, I've been (mostly) a social recluse. Ariella has been my main exception, accompanying me on out of town excursions so that she can look at car possibilities. It's quite an involved process and we've only ever looked at one in a day before calling it good on that day's mission. So far, we've looked at two cars that were both being unbudgingly sold for way more than either mechanic thought they were worth. But it's a good reason to get out of town and stay socially connected with good friends amidst all this time I've been having to myself.
When its not lonely, the self time has been helpful also. I've started making paper beads by the dozen and finally knitted my first hat! I'll soon be onto my second one using a more complex pattern. I'm hoping I'll roll enough beads by May to see if Korreanne will sell some bracelets and necklaces in the store over Flea Market weekend (and perhaps beyond). Getting back to a daily dose of writing is a next step.
Hiking and moving have been nipping at my feet as well. This has been the most miserable year for the Pass since probably 2000, when they apparently had only a week and a half of skiing. I still haven't been up. After a week of June weather though, it is supposed to rain this whole next week so maybe temperatures will drop and give us some powder.
Since I haven't been able to board, I'm trying to start getting in any snow-free trails I can. Ariella, Brenda, Mark and Katy came down to Packwood last week to hike Silver Falls but for some reason, the road was closed. We decided to park the car anyway and forge in on foot until we got to a break in the woods that looked navigable. We ventured through beautiful bright moss lands and down a steep bed of the stuff to the edge of the rushing stream with small waterfalls trickling from way above. It was gorgeous and the shocking novelty of the crisp air struck me as I realized how long it had been since I'd gone out and enjoyed the gift of PNW oxygen.
This evening, I quietly enjoy more calm than I've felt internally in a while, even though there is still so much on my mental "to do" list. The rest of the world is cheering on the Seahawks. I'm cheering on myself and a new month.
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