It is so easy to use the holidays as a marker: I'm going to change this habit after that ball drops. I'm going to fix my digestion after this sugar fest. Life will slow down after I wear myself out. Well, sure it will. Cause you wore yourself out. But life keeps going.
And November has kept going. It is a bit calmer - no holidays to fret about fitting in and the rain makes relaxing days by the fire all the more acceptable - but things don't just solve themselves. October was rough and November has only tried to take the wheel. I'm not miraculously on a smoother road.
In the last week, I've had time to contemplate why shifting has been so much harder lately. I've thought about what I have dropped and what tools I haven't been accessing; what is different from previous efforts to navigate struggles? Unless we take time to account for the details, situations can look so similar. But there is a lot that is different:
-I have not been honoring my idea of the transitory. Everything feels so permanent and so heavy. I can’t move energy if I’m waving Medusa Magic on it.
-I’ve dropped trying to reach out. This one is a snagger. When I feel supported, I can be incredibly good at communication. But the slightest deterrence can spiral into big cycles of isolation. These are scary and lonely, especially when I cannot pinpoint how they’ve arisen. What began as recognizing a difference of character with a couple of people feels like it stealthily accelerated into this larger animosity with the team. Missed group outings our misunderstandings have made me feel excommunicated over night. I don’t want to over-dramatize my perceptions but the alternative has been to become more and more distant. Without an outlet to talk to the group about the challenges affecting my life right now, I probably just come across as a disinterested, somber sod. But I know a lot of this comes from stewing in my observations. And I’ve done very little to explore how to turn this around.
-I’ve dropped the greater picture and I've dwelled on the detriments. I haven't been writing, I haven't been sending letters, I haven't been challenging my habits with new routines, I haven’t been exploring the extra topics that interest me. I haven’t been taking time to remember things beyond the immediate discomfort.
When November started, I wanted to overhaul it all at once - I wanted to power-house push everything useless out of my life. I’ve never been good at baby steps and so when I fell short on November 2nd, I felt failure. But just as I need to step back and evaluate what had really changed, I need to remember to evaluate how big the seemingly little changes really are.
“It’s like a full-time job” I blubbered through the phone the other night, overwhelmed by everything that weighs on me besides all of the job-jobs I have.
And it is. Focused and effective self-healing is a full-time job. So the smallest accomplishments that I am able to find while juggling all of my obligations is no small thing.
I may not be able to obtain the ideal time, space and resources that I want for healing but I can take more ownership and control over my outlook. And that has preceded real results in the past.
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