Finishing February with Family

I have admittedly been very detached from the person I see as my most centered self, hence the irregularity of posts. I’ve recognized that the current circumstances of life have caused me to detach from more of my reflective luxuries, pooling all of my energy just to react to one plot twist or challenge after another. To function this way, I’ve relied on friends and pockets of enjoyment. 

Its not a sustainable approach, and I’m well-aware. Sometimes the best we can do is move through the motions until that rapid-fire, chaotic energy is reigned into some cache in the deeper reservoirs of the self. At least, this is how I tend to operate, and I can finally feel a slowing down, a steadying of that force, bringing me back to me. 

In the mean time, though, I marked my still places with special occassions, this last one being a visit from my mom. Our last face-to-face encounter had resulted in temporary termination of all communication during a particularly pivotal mitten visit . After I returned from my ten-day meditation in the fall, we were able to begin initiating regular phone conversations with minimal friction and before I knew it, we’d decided that she would come visit in February. 

A large part of the development of our relationship during my last visit had been about acknowledging a different level of independence and a breaking away from some of the emotional entanglement that is so deeply rooted in our mother-daughter dynamic. Then and since, I’ve had a lot going on in my life - a relationship, where I work, where I live, even how I spend my social time - that she has been completely unable to be a part of. While she was rightly nervous about meeting new people, my nerves about our visits had always come from anticipation of the inevitable clash where I would once again paint myself in the light of an older, more childish self. I was nothing but excited to approach her from my new, albeit currently unsettled, life with a new sense of growth and emotional maturity. 

On Thursday afternoon when she arrived, our plan was to head immediately to Packwood in order to have some space to ourselves and because, well, Packwood. Her and Leo did have a brief opportunity to meet before we hit the road and no one ran screaming to the hills, so we were off to a good start. 

The drive gave us a good amount of time to have some heart to heart catch up and once we made it to Packwood, we kept a pretty low profile, beside stopping to visit Debbie, Jim and Gaven. Loren and Joan were kind enough to host us and we shared dinner and a bonfire which Loren had offered after I’d expressed desperate longing for one earlier that week. 

What a great sight to wake up to. Packwood, you gorgeous. 

Part of the inspiration for a Packwood visit had been an opportunity to take her up to the Pass in the winter. However, broken ribs give no fucks about plans and after cracking mine on the mountain a few weeks before, downhill seemed like suicide. So in my naive understanding of winter sports, I suggested cross-country as a less physically demanding alternative. 

Oh yeah. We can do this. Like a boss. 

And the snow gods laughed. 

Oh yeah. We can do this. Like a Melli. 

I will never underestimate the athleticism required of cross-country goers ever again. 

After our humbling discovery of our lack of Olympian Cross-Country capabilities, we came down the mountain a bit earlier than expected, and restored the balance of daily bad-to-good decision ratio with scheduled massages with Cathy. (mostly) restored, we bid adieu to Packwood and drove back to the city to meet up with Leo for the evening, breaking our food cart virginity with delicious Egyptian cuisine and finishing it off with cider flights. 

We were too caught up in games to take pictures.
so here. Have a picture of me acting strange. 

On Saturday, we followed a quintessential Portland tour itinerary and balanced some indoor entertainment at OMSI with a trip out to Multnomah Falls. It happened to be the first time Leo and I had the chance to venture into the science museum as well so that was new for all of us. Daniel and Alaina had planned to meet us there and while we were waiting for them to arrive, we caught a Planetarium show on Black Holes. Through Leo’s explanations and the conversations we’d had on the subject, I’d developed a Layman’s understanding of how they work, how common they actually are, and how completely unknown the results of being sucked into one are, given the information we have. But the visual execution of OMSI’s show dug beyond the logic and the science and really tangled up my heartstrings as well. After carrying us through the evolution of black holes, building from the demise of massive stars that build enough gravitational pull to create the dense tunnels of energy, webs of gasses and matter enveloped the room and pulled us through a wormhole in an attempt to convey what such a trip would actually be like. Around this time, the narrator was beginning to address the lesser known theories of Black Hole Phenomenon: Maybe the end is the beginning. As we were virtually dragged through a worm hole, our known galaxy becoming warped and obscured, an eerily visceral sensation came over me. In my own way of relating and understanding the cyclical nature of things, this was sort of like simulating the hypothetical death and re-emergence the soul. I am not one of those people who can easily say I’ve grown to be comfortable with death on the deepest level. That unknown can still shake me if I think long and hard enough on it. But here, in this macro context, I felt a sudden stilling within, even as the graphics and the music and the narration all sped along above me. 

Planetarium shows are always a treat in my book. But one of the reasons we’d chosen to meet at OMSI that day was due to the allure of their temporary exhibit on gaming. They had consoles from the birth of the industry tracing all the way up to the very edge of possibilities that are being explored now. Even for someone who is not very well versed in the history or specifics of any one game type, I found it incredible to be able to trace how the small spark of imagination that began in two-dimensional lines and drawn-out mathematic equations or simple win-lose objectives became its own universe in which to explore collaboration, art, societal structures, invention, and what it takes to push the envelope into other realities. We’d met up with Daniel and Alaina before entering the exhibit and they got lost in conversation with my mom somewhere along the way, while Leo and I ventured through on our own time.I watched him bounce, wide-eyed, from game to game to show me some of his favorites and we both got drawn in to boggle our minds with the more aesthetic and abstract creations of recent years. It was getting to be mid afternoon by the time we all met back up so we parted ways with Alaina and Daniel to have time to visit the falls before dinner. 

Note the elusive lantern creature in the
bottom left

With enough sun left to take the scenic route, we stopped at the Vista House off of highway 30. The last time a group of us had come up was on a blustery post new-years day. And blustery feels far to tame a word. The wind up there had been so strong that it was physically impossible to stand still outside. It was a nice change to be able to take our time with the view, and for the first time on my several drives, the building was open for visitors as well. The story of the Vista House centers around a recreational and conservational vision for the area dating back to the early 1900’s. For the regality of its design, the building served a very plain purpose: to attract travelers, serve as a rest stop, and acknowledge those that had ventured west. Imagined by engineer Samuel Lancaster, it now houses a small informational gallery in the basement, which traces the history of the Columbia River Highway project that Lancaster supervised and the various ways that the area has been reconstructed and developed over time. While there wasn’t much on the Vista House itself (more can be found here), it was neat to see how travel and recreational use of the area was considered and read about the construction of the first tunnels and bridges that are now widespread along the gorge. What stuck with me most though, was learning that the 70+ miles of Gorge territory is home to the largest concentration of waterfalls in the world. I knew that I was surrounded by an immense amount of beauty to be explored but I didn’t realize what a coveted acclaim the area holds. Believe me, waterfall exploration is top priority once the fundamentals make more sense. 

had to do the classic pose thing

Reaching Multnomah, we decided to test our ambition and see how far up the trail we’d be able to venture before the sun gave up on us or we gave up on our legs. I’d say it was about even…although the sun was probably being more generous than we claimed. Next time, Multnomah, next time! 

couldn't pull it off twice

Timing did actually work out well though, because we made it back to the north end of town right on time to meet Mary, Lewis and Marilyn for dinner at the Oregon Public House. After dinner, with some festivity still running in our bones, we twisted my mom’s arm to go across the street for a few more drinks, where they would have a good supply of board games to choose from. We ended up with Pass the Popcorn, an amusing movie trivia game that was surprisingly enjoyable and even more surprisingly, I did not completely fail at. 

Waiting with appetizers: Melli-face edition

Waiting with appetizers: Polite imposter edition 

Sunday had been reserved for lazy-day board games, but everyone woke up with incompatible needs, feelings and energy levels. Instead, my mom and I ended up going on a walk in Forest Park for another serious heart-to-heart about how our hearts could fit together right now. 

Poor Middle East...oh, wait....

My life isn’t the easiest to watch right now. It’s not a stroll in the park, or even an exciting roller coaster. It scary and uncertain and confused. My local support system is built from people that have been there, that are closer to those dark places, to remember what its like. I’ve never been in a phase of uncertainty and upheaval quite this way, and seeing the people I love simply stay, steadfast, recognizing it not as something taboo, not as a sign of disaster but just another step, has meant a lot. I don’t hold it against my mother to see things differently, to react differently. She’s my mother and as much as a friend, she and I will always have that special dynamic. But right now, that approach doesn’t serve me. And frankly, I don’t feel like having my goings on so closely shared with her benefits her either. Nevertheless, we navigated the feelings well, and the talk didn’t end in anger or misunderstanding with one another. We were able to find a middle ground where we could enjoy one another without stepping across the boundaries we were uncomfortable with and in the end, opted on some games with Leo at the house and a visit to Edgefield for dinner and a showing of Deadpool (Yes. Movie, approved.) 

Parting ways at the airport the next day, it was the first time the visit felt too short, and not from a place of desperation. In the past, our intense bouts of friction would leave us both discontent, ready to end the reality of what we’d created but deeply disappointed that we’d once again missed a connection we were yearning for. This time, I was finally left with a normal sense of parting ways. We could have had a few more days, and I think that would have been nice. But I also didn’t feel a heart wrenching tear from her departure because I didn’t feel at the last minute, that longing to repair something. 

This is a good thing. It doesn’t mean a lessening of the deepness of our love. It doesn’t mean a detachment. I think it means that we are moving towards a more authentic and nurturing way of relating. 

And as for the partner-parent meeting, all parties survived. 

Bonus. 

<3