Thank You

Sometimes, my shifts are like tectonic plates

on drugs. 

Moving with a mass 

faster than the earth was ever intended to split

fitting fissures and fault lines into timelines

derived from mind

over the matter of whats happening 

around me 

shaken sediments erode the grounding 

founded by arbitrary preconceptions

but the nature of change makes no exceptions

so stop digging my heels 

to upend tree roots

shake off the soot from erratic earthquakes

make love to the pace under my feet

come back to the simple feeling of breathing

I’ve been living this past month pushing and pulling against the pace of everything around me. I’ve found myself in an argument with the world around me. Life outside of my head and my heart has been sluggish, for lack of a better word. I feel stuck in my job. I feel stuck in my living debacle. I feel stuck with my dreams confined to a dream world. And despite the stagnation, there are universes inside me, moving at light speed, colliding with my reality every day. 

I’ve always sort of prided myself for being able to trust the equilibrium. It’s a fact of life that things get hairy, confusing, scary. But usually, I flounder with my head above the water, always with my eyes on some distant land mass. I usually find my fins and gradually, the land takes shape and I meet a path at the shore. 

I’ve been diving under, getting water in my eyes. I sputter at the surface, looking for something to make sense, ready to swim again just to find dead ends. 

Thus far, this blog has been more or less about my journey, my ability to navigate between mittens and mountains, and how my own mind and resources and perspective on life is called upon time and again to figure out the next steps. 

With the uncertainty I’ve been floundering in, I haven’t had much to say, let alone time or patience to say it. But this is actually an entry long overdue. 

Instead of my fins, I’ve been sent life boats. 

Lewis, Mary, Leo and Marilyn have blossomed into an incredible family for me. Where I’ve felt without a home, they’ve let me in. Where my heart has felt buried and lost, they’ve dug it out and held it close. Where my mind has clouded and panicked, they’ve soothed it and slowed the clock. While I while away, beating away the brush to carve a path that makes sense, they make it possible to step off and take in views along the way. They keep me above the water. 

Leo pointed out that, for as much as I believe in the power of community, I have been holding this discomfort for needing an upgrade from my own flippers. I am so used to being able to give back in some way, and I feel like I have absolutely nothing to give. 

But I do have my appreciation. 

And for that matter, thank you to each and every one of you that remind me of the richness of my life, even amongst this crazy current. 

Thank you to my parents, for years navigating communication, for not running away from the complexities I bring into your life, for standing by me even when I feel I’m falling short. 

Thank you to my Packwood community, a place I feel I can always escape to, where I am always welcome with open arms, where I have an identity to return to. 

Thank you to distant friends, who embrace the opportunity for a long conversation, a surprise reconnection, who create these moments that remind me of the lasting impact of relationship and the power it has to bring beauty back into life. 

Thank you to new connections. People who, for whatever reason, see me, without anything to offer but my presence, and see that as enough. People who may help me open doors and continue to create richness in my life so that I may one day give back.

Thank you. I love you all. 

<3