Where do we go from here?

When I began this blog, it was intended to serve as a way to share the experience of my journey as I navigated some sort of uncharted transition. Over the last three years, it has followed me into the woods, onto farmland, out to the ocean,  through two eye-opening and growth-inspiring AmeriCorps experiences and praised the lasting imprints of encounters with dozens of beautiful hearts and souls.

To be this person, I think that I've had to do more nurturing than I take the time to recognize. I was a fearful, sensitive and reserved child, in a lot of ways. I clung very strongly to traditions, probably got coddled a bit too much, and had a lot of difficulty sorting it all out in a way I could present to those in my life. I remember hating summer camp and crying myself to sleep each night, just waiting for the next care package and counting the time until I could go home. I always cast myself in the light of the other, built up out of some expired, preconceived context. Even by the time I went off to college, I still grappled with the little child inside, throwing a fit the first day that my mom and brother came to move me into my apartment and not letting them leave until the next day.

Your nature is not fixed, yo.

I have of course, ridden the tumultuous roller-coaster of ups and downs in my growth over these years (as I try to make apparent through this blog), sometimes feeling like that floundering soul while gradually experiencing more and more significant intervals during which I baffle myself with the level of ''normal, self-reliant adult'' I'm able to feel like. I'm under no delusion that this fluctuation will ever cease - that's what life is - but lately, I feel like I can more clearly appreciate all the ways in which those little clusters of wise moments or challenging experiences have amounted to the fascinating, bewildering specimen of energy that is "me".

I think that most everyone can identify a select few key patterns/dilemmas/concepts that arise and re-arise relentlessly in their life journey. Some might write them off as common human things - issues with patience, the ideas of "should", balance being some of mine - but each one manifests in a poignant and personal way for each individual and if one can identify and embrace those themes, then I believe you start to nip at an aspect of life-meaning far beyond occupation, social identity or material success.

Placing an emphasis on this exploration has certainly helped me. One of my biggest habit patterns has historically been the gravity with which I linger on the question of "what should I be doing with my life?" and other preoccupations of that vein. Ironically, the amount of time I place on worrying about this has never seemed to translate to any practical action plan. All dots in this connect-the-dot drawing have seemingly painted me as a dabbler. I think I am finally diverging from the path long-taken. Part of it may be just the growing exhaustion I run into each time I finish a "chapter" and suddenly feel directionless again. But more than that, I think that I've realized on a more internal level, how the meaning in my life is cultivated only from the foundational pieces of my soul. The actions and projects that arise from that will always be secondary.

For practical reasons, I do of course need to keep one of my heads out of the clouds. But I am far less concerned with finding some cookie-cutter career path by which to meet those needs. Just as your body needs food to exert energy for exercise and movement, the soul needs to be fed if you hope to contribute to the world in any way that is meaningful to you. Once that process is satiated, nature will work with you to piece the rest together.

With you being key, there. You can't just kick up your legs, label yourself as a kind and decent member of society and hope the universe recognizes you. I may not know what this nature-meli collaboration is going to look like, but I'm still doing the research and taking the notes, a la dabble-style.

And that leads me to the present moment, and my over-due recap of where I've been and what I've been doing since I emerged from My Own Silent Idaho.

After leaving Idaho, I had one more weekend in Packwood paradise. Leo had the privilege of being my first sounding board for all of the thoughts and emotions and bottled-up ramblings that I'd been holding in during the Vipassana course and we spent the first night warming our shaky, cold and exhausted selves by the fire talking. Saturday was leisurely, watching races and taking pictures with my new phone lenses, and by Saturday night, I was recovered enough for a bon fire which was shared both with dear old Packwood friends and the few new AmeriCorps members that had made it to town. On Sunday, Leo and I ventured down to the Packwood picnic which coincidentally coincided with my last weekend there; a perfect way to get in good-byes.

So weird!

ALSO so weird! XD 

Dead fish = perfect guinea pig for lenses

With an orientation for my new job that Wednesday, I was thrown full-speed from the weekend into last-minute business, farewells and even more hectic packing. I had some wonderfully unexpected conversations with my landlord, our dear grocery owner Hal, and an old Butter Butte customer who was training to hike the Muir Trail by 2017. All of them allowed me to further process my meditation experience and recognize the ways in which it had integrated into my relationship with people and the world.

And on Tuesday, I moved. I managed to fit an impressive amount in Iris, leaving only a couple of boxes at the duplex to pick up at a later time. Granted, Leo had already taken quite a bit to his house but it was a nice illusion, that I had little enough that I could move in one trip, without a moving van.

You Haulin', Iris!

And where did I move to?

I'm not sure I mentioned previously, but I'm an Oregonian now, and a Portlander, no less (NOT to be confused with a PortlandIAr). I don't have my license yet, but it is on the immediate to-do list.

The house I found is rad, thanks to the rad individuals that live there. My housemate Daniel has been

there for a little over a year and in that short time, has managed to cultivate quite a productive garden, raise egg-producing chickens and ducks, and build a very snazzy indoor greenhouse of sorts. The additional residents are his 6-year old pup Chewie and his 4-year old daughter Aleina. Aleina and I hit it off from meet-and-greet numero uno and we will now be having regular adventure days each Monday. I've had to learn to be very direct and communicative about my boundaries and availability of course, serving as a babysitter some times but also needing to have my own space as simply another resident. It's been a good balance so far. We've done a couple fun meals together, and she and Daniel are both very understanding when it comes to space.

Pizza time!

Front o' the house.

Our kitchen kicks ass. be jealous. 

The bedroom, where I managed to hang or shelve ALL my clothes!

Chewie

Jumping way ahead, though.

So on Tuesday afternoon, September 29th, I moved in. On Wednesday morning, I began my training in Vancouver as an in-home Caregiver for seniors. From the moment I'd gone into my interview, I was surprised at how excited I was for the work described. While I've yet to have my first shift, I've gradually been getting a line up of clients and starting next week, will begin to forge relationships with these individuals one-on-one. The agency that I work for is incredibly client and employee oriented. Their main goal is to make sure caregivers can easily and efficiently meet the individual needs of their client. This means that complications, safety concerns and complex logistics are simply to be redirected to the office where our intimate team of office staff take care of it all. Not only does this allow me to focus on the present moments with the clients, but it takes a lot of pressure off and allows me to explore the less mundane and routine sides of work. One of the other things that I am excited for, is the learning opportunity. As an employee, I have to complete a 70-hour training to be licensed as a Washington Home Care Aid (basically, a step under CNA, since it is strictly non-medical). This is a training that they basically pay for and provide the Continuing Education Units for. It is also completely my choice whether or not I take any one particular client, and so I basically get to choose my hours. The only downside of this is that there is not always a guarantee of any number of hours from week to week, month to month.

My official-ness.

When contemplating the idea of a second job, everyone I spoke to cautioned that I test the waters of this current one first. Well, while I can nurture some traits, stubbornness is a natural quality that I will stubbornly never wipe out completely :) With about a week of city life under my belt, I have resumes out at two coffee shops, a grocer, two cider houses and a catering company. I was also offered a job this morning, at a retail store for baby items. Not at the top of my list, but we'll see where my other leads go.

I can drink ALL the wellness toddies now! 

The idea that I'm living in Portland is still a bit surreal. Outings that were considered "treats" when I had to go out-town for errands are now just around the corner. When I'm in Seattle or Olympia, I have to remember I don't desperately need to stock up on groceries because back home, I'm surrounded by a dozen stores that have things that I eat. This sort of material excitement maintains its novelty for a very short duration, and after the first couple of days, I fell into an overwhelming ball of doubt and negativity. Of course, a big change like this always has an undercurrent of emotional baggage that may not be detectable until the storm begins to settle. All of this was compounded by a very important piece of my personal life that I hadn't really tackled realistically.

I've been incredibly fortunate that in the last few months, I've been able to share so much of my life with an amazing individual. The experience has shown me some of the best parts of myself and taught me a lot about my social and  emotional growth. However, the experience is unconventional, and new for a number of reasons and in that, lay an opportunity for growth that I hadn't yet me challenge myself with.

Moving to Portland, I was suddenly geographically closer, but I was also even closer to emotions and challenges that I'd been hiding and avoiding. Until I was able to express and process those, the move had only come to amplify a sense of alienation and isolation. Thank you for the magic potion of communication and expression.

Once that was released, I began to turn on my optimism outlook again. While I'm currently spending more money than I'm making, I think I've made some good first investments. I immediately hunted down a bike upon reaching town, joined a yoga studio and signed up for an African Dance class. Yes, there have been cider purchases as well, but I promise I'm not going out to the cider house every night! I've also been scouring for free opportunities. I found a sweet Drum Circle, plan to attend some Vipassana Group sits, and have a calendar list of free workshops. On our first Monday Adventuretime, Aleina and I went down to Cafe Au Play to check out some free music. This cafe/community space is an all-volunteer-run center for kids and if you volunteer in the cafe portion, you get free barista training! Pretty neat. After playing there for a bit, we headed out to one of the many surrounding farms that advertised free Fall Fun. There, Alaina enthusiastically tried out all the fall-themed play structure items and hay maze and then we rode a hay ride through their fields of corn, grapes and pumpkins.

And thanks to Leo, I've been having plenty of free entertainment from the comfort of my own home as well:

I was also gifted with a spontaneous Seattle excursion when my acquaintance and now friend Tom texted to say he had a ticket to see American Idiot. I was never a huge Green Day fan, so I didn't know how I'd take to it, but I decided to go anyway since it was a free show and Seattle is neat and Tom and I had been trying to hang out for our first time for forever. 

Good choice! Before the show, we got dinner and cider (duh) and then headed to a venue that I was imagining to be regal-theater style, where I was imagining that I'd be watching a show. However, it turns out we had "Immersion Tickets" which basically meant VIP inclusive. We were presented with three options for groups to be in and then throughout the show, our "group" was directed through the scenes carrying out on stage. The venue was a tiny space with the seating making a 360 around the center stage. There was a  basement part of the set which the sitting audience got to see via TV screens, but where we got to go for quite a few scenes.

After the show, it was still early and we happened to be down the street from OutWest, the bar that Dusty had introduced me to. I recalled that Wednesday happened to be their Karaoke night, so we went down to belt some tunes.

It's a different pace, somewhere in between starving-artist feel, scrounging to make something that looks like a steady income, and exploratory-tourist feel, still fascinated by the possibility and culture. Three years ago, AmeriCorps was just a small dot on a map to test the waters of the PNW. Three years later, while the pace of the tide ebbs and flows and the mountains I'm surrounded by change from rock to brick, I've undoubtedly found home in this region.

And where do we go from here? Just into the next unfolding moment, folks.

<3 Melissa