Just a little vent. I don't know if this is koshe blog stuff.
Today was my fifth shift on the job at the restaurant. After my first jampacked busy night yesterday, I was not necessarily surprised to be greeted by Geanie saying that ''we need to get you up to speed or I am going to have to let you go''
This hostess/bussing thing is not my thing. It is not even that I feel badly about myself for not being on the ball. The whole concept is just another one of those perplexing ''well oiled societal things'' that I don't quite get. There is no getting to know your customers and apparently, if you are not in on things from the get go, there is not much getting to know your coworkers. For my first few shifts, I had been working with rather experienced but young waitstaff who knew their game plan but were clueless on how to teach it to me short of snide remarks and huffing as they have to correct things themselves. Tonight, I was fortunate to be set to sort of shadow an older woman who actually gave me a sense of what my priority tasks should be so I am not darting around trying to keep busy in all of the wrong places. But the staff members that had already seen my performance the nights before were less than sociable.
During my shifts, emotions just close in. I am constantly reminded that this is just a job, that I am background noise and then I do start to get down on myself. I told myself I would never take another just because shit job. But on the other hand, working a real restaurant is a valuable skill to have. I know it built a lot of the skills that people like Mari, my old farm boss use daily. But each evening, being surrounded by staff who view you as nothing but an obstacle and families jovially laughing around large pies, its easy to make things polarized and pick out details that make it seem like everyone wants you alone and miserable. And I think it is ruining my appreciation of pizza. I am getting scathingly begrudging that I'm not at the other end of the table.
I was beginning to feel the heat from my coworkers until the end of the night when things finally took a shift. As a large meat pizza came out of the oven, I took a moment, since we were slow and asked Beef kindly if, when I was on shift, they could make at least a slice of veggie pizza. Five minutes later he said he was working on something special for me and came out with a whole trey of sauced breadsticks with cheese and veggies.
As my mentor was getting ready to leave I asked if she had any feedback for me and she was very kind and patient and constructive, saying it seemed the only major problem was that I did not have guidance before. Something happened during our conversation - perhaps maybe my co worker took it to heart - and she became a bit more light hearted before the end of the night.
All I needed were those few calm moments of expression that the atmosphere does not make room for. Everything is so rushed and crazy in that environment that warmth and compassion and authenticity seem to sort of take a back seat. And when those are my strengths, I guess its hard to show I am worth the time. The way the night wrapped up really uplifted some of the isolation I was feeling but I know this is not my thing. Geanie is talking as though I am around for months more and I cannot imagine that I did not put a leaving date on my application...but I do hope she knows I am gone before the end of August.
Perhaps sooner. We'll see how I feel after this first paycheck.
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