Shifting

New year.

Its a good time for it, the shifting. 

The holidays, always a "good" excuse to put off needed changes. Indulge. Cares to the wind. But for me, even then I knew that something was percolating. And then, just before returning home, I saw the doctor who kindly told me what I already figured. I have probably been graced with IBS.

Even so, the changing did not start right away. I knew that Mary's old AmeriBuddy would be up to visit the week we returned and I decided that was obviously clumped into a continuation of the holidays. celebration, ya know.

But my body was fed up. And I was fed up with being fed up. And I was angry. It was easy to be angry and scared and frustrated when I didn't know what to call everything that was happening. I was convinced that my digestive concerns were my fault. Blame, shame, anger, fear, frustration, embarrassment muddied up inside me.


And I had envisioned rejuvenation upon my return? "Breaks" are delusions and silly excuses to stay stuck. I mean, to "break" is to stop. stop trying, stop moving. Just stop. Life doesn't STOP. The only way to get back rejuvenating energy is to put energy out the right way. 

I knew it was time.

A week or so later, after an exhausting trip to Portland (although I did get to see good persons) and my lethargic effort at Open Gym and other obligations, I was driving to Morton. It was evening and the sunset was penetrating and fiery, infecting me with a sort of calm determination. I felt a longing to return to my connection with the nature surrounding me and it knew I belonged there just the same. Grace needed to return to my life.

Three days of fasting.

Seven days of broth and smoothies.

Three days of adding simple solids: rice, rice cakes, oat bran.

8 glasses of water a day, 9 hours of sleep a night. No alcohol, no caffeine. 1 hour of exercise.


The results were incredible. Physically, my stomach had ceased stabbing me like a dagger. Spiritually, I felt an opening to reflection again, a slowing. The stress was subsiding. Mentally, I was present. I wasn't jumping ahead or falling behind, but fully present. And I felt a lift from all of the blame that I had placed on myself. I felt I had reached another level of growing. On the second day that I added solids back, I was thrilled that I felt "normal".

And then I had to take a trip to town. It was nothing complicated, just a very full day. I had to take my car in for an oil change and pick up a couple of things, then do my co-op shopping. I was meeting my friend and his girlfriend for dinner that night and had some time to kill so I strategically planned to bring myself to a movie. (Side note: Her is surprisingly well worth a watch.) I had fit it in just so and I had to rush a bit from the co-op to get back to the theater in time. The whole day, I thought that I was handling the clock-work schedule in a well-balanced way but by the time I was driving to my friend's I felt the anxiousness of keeping a tight ship on time seep in like a leak in the boat.

Dinner and the visit went fine, but the anxiety underwater stirred and by my first meal the next morning, after having to rush to get to a meeting on time, I could tell it wasn't going to sit well. On my drive home, the cramping returned and my heart sunk in my chest. Weeks of trying to "correct" something and I was back in pain.

The desperation came and went for the next few weeks, as I tried to schedule appointments and try to determine what would cause what.

But for all of the struggling, I was still acquiring pieces of a new self-image. A new way of understanding how to deal with me. The mystery of what I was putting in my body and what affected me how seemed to be less about diet and more about the stress. And based on my Olympia trip, it apparently didn't take much. I had an astrology reading that furthered these understandings. I still have tests to come. And I've started acupuncture.

I have had to reevaluate my "end-point" perspective - yes, a silly one to have in the first place, I know - and realize that this will never be "cured" or systematically understood to be avoided. But that for whatever reason, this will be a challenge for this journey and that I can always shift how I  approach it. It is hard sometimes, but to finally touch it, to dip into the depths of its annoying unanswered questions has been a rejuvenation of sorts. Because if it won't "break", I have to learn to live with it. And if I keep moving through it, I will find those rejuvenating spaces.

during my "cleanse" at the beginning, I definitely felt a boost in energy. I started to tackle the garden project once more, I was more active in my volunteering and taking the extra steps in projects and efforts to contact people. But even after the bliss of thinking I'd "conquered" my problem expired, what it left was a reminder of a "tell it like it is" , "grow up" attitude for myself that knows I have the energy to push forward more than I sometimes do. And I have been demanding that for myself more and more effectively.